MCL - My Crappy Ligament

Ten days ago at hockey I missed the puck and as I'm falling down I catch an edge that turned my knee inward. I fell on my knee in a way that nature certainly did not intend, indicated by the clearly audible "SNAP." In my head I scream "NO!! NOT AGAIN!!" and I grit my teeth as I get on all fours and attempt to stand. Not happening. And no one seems to know that I'm down because the play is at the other end of the ice. Finally the whistle blows and I hear the ref skate over and say "Knee?"

"Yep."

Then Nicole is there and a few players from the other team and I tell them I want to try to stand on my own (I'm stubborn that way) but it hurts too much and I need help. Nicole on my right and a player from the other team on my left, I get helped to the bench. Everyone bangs their sticks on the ice or the bench - a nice gesture but never a noise I wanted to hear for ME.

Hard to walk on but not impossible, I sit the rest of the game on the bench icing. In an ice rink. Who's idea was that??

Tests administered by my very own live-in personal athletic trainer indicated an MCL tear. The Medial Collateral Ligament, or My Crappy Ligament as I like to call it, on the inside of my left knee (for those of you wondering, it's not the knee I had surgery on two years ago...hey my last name isn't Ballance for nothing!) and is luckily the only ligament in the knee with a blood supply - meaning it has the ability to heal itself. "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just laying here on the couch waiting for my knee to make scar tissue..."

I spent this past week getting reacquainted with the ice machine, stim machine, knee wraps and my robo-leg brace. Following R.I.C.E is doing wonders for my knee, but what about the rest of me? What about the part of me that spent that entire night sobbing in utter disappointment (after I left the rink, of course...wouldn't want anyone to see me)...the part of me that couldn't call my teammates on either volleyball team to tell them I would be sitting out for at least a couple of weeks because I couldn't speak a word about it without breaking down...the part of me that was so deeply disheartened, that after only my first week of training for a triathlon that I'm pushing myself to do and am scared that I won't even make it past the swim, I was nearly being forced to give up working toward my dream, scared that I wouldn't have enough time to train?

They say that it is in times of adversity and despair that we see who we really are. Well, great. That means I'm a self-pitying crybaby. Or it means that I care so much about the triathlon, on so many levels, that anything that threatens to take it away from me cuts me to the core. That's exactly what this did to me and I'm not proud to say that it took me a few days to pull myself out of it and realize that I don't need a fully functioning knee in order to do laps in a pool. And while I can't jump up to spike a ball (well, I could...it's the landing that would be problematic!) I can still ride a bike. And even though I limp when I walk, I can't lay on my right side to sleep because it hurts too much, and I can't play the sports that I love, I can still move toward my goal, however slow that may be right now. But it's ok, because I'm still moving. I still have 11 weeks to train. Nearly three months! And I'm gonna get to that finish line...one step at a time.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
- Dory, Finding Nemo